GamJams Reviews: The Next Upgrade - Titanium Spine

Gamjams wants to know what my next product purchase will be. Gamjams wants to know what piece of equipment I'm shopping for. Gamjams want to know what piece of carbon or metal will make me faster.

I'm a cyclist, which, as the Unholy Rouleur points out, should inherently mean that I am a gear whore. I can even proudly admit that I am a gear whore. But at one point or another, even my inflated ego needs to be put in check. At some point or another, no cycling equipment company can do any more to make my bicycle lighter, stiffer, or faster.

So, let's think outside of the box. It's not something that goes on my bike or on my body that will be my next upgrade. In fact, it's something that goes in my body.

What? Inside my body?

Don't jump to conclusions now. Siggy ain't no doper. Siggy stays away from the juice. Heck, Siggy doesn't even drink coffee or soda (except when it's coke out of a 12 ounce glass bottle). And if you really resort to doping to get out of Cat 4s, you're on a fast track to being a professional loser. But I digress.

So what the hell kind of upgrade is Siggy gonna put inside of his body?

A TITANIUM SPINE.

My friend and teammate on GW Cycling and NCVC, Lauren Peterson, had one installed, (errrr, implanted?) in her spine. It was a sweet-sixteen gift from her parents and orthopedic surgeon some years ago. Yeah, sure, the procedure was originally meant to help with her scoliosis, but it's no coincidence that her cycling career has skyrocketed since she got the upgrade. Here's a quick look:


(So she didn't start cycling until after the procedures. Erroneous, I say!)

Everyone's looking for upgrades here and there, but we're really just stalemating ourselves with expensive equipment. Think about it. If everyone has deep-rimmed carbon aero wheels, power meters, and stiff carbon frames, who's getting the upper hand?

Nobody.

So, why would I want to jump on a bandwagon of powermeters and carbon lust when I can do something revolutionary?

Now, I know what you're thinking: "How in the world can a Titanium spine be an upgrade?"

Well, I have a pretty weak lumbar region. My lower back muscles atrophied after I stopped rowing, and every few months I get muscle spasms that painfully lock up my back and severely hinder mobility, strength, and posture. There's nothing like locking up your back to get shooting pains through your spine and legs when you hit a rough patch of pavement. It especially puts a damper on my power while riding in the drops. I need a fix.

Just like every other amateur cyclist, I'm inherently lazy. Instead of actually working out and getting physically stronger, I'd rather follow the path of most MABRA racers and just invest my life savings in technological advancement. Maybe by spending more cash I can get across the line first.

In the meantime, I'm hoping to gain a few other small advantages from the Ti spine. First of all, like everything else Titanium, the spine will help dampen vibration throughout my body, reducing fatigue on long rides. More over, the Titanium spine will help my lazy, arched-back positioning. Check out Lauren's posture:


Think about the incredible aero, flat-back time trial positions I'll be able to achieve. Now, I'll need to construct a periscope to see where I'm going since my face will be pointed straight at my front hub, but that's just a speed bump on the road to victory.

So yeah, equipment upgrades. Go all out, or go home. It's the only way to win.

...or get on your bike and work your nuts off.