Gamjams Reviews: Coffee - NONE OF THE ABOVE

You addicted, weak-minded weenies.

Coffee?

We all have our vices, but if you can't kick the habit of drinking a cup of joe every morning, it's not gonna do you much good when you sip something strong before a race or down a packet of caffeinated gu. (If you're caffeine-sober like myself, though, you'd be wired.)

Coffee's good as a treat every now and then, absolutely, I think of it in the same respect as beer or wine or dessert. However, I would prefer something more healthful with breakfast. Anything better. Perhaps something more nutritious like soy milk, orange juice or apple juice. Maybe even water.

I've heard the excuses: Think it's coffee that gets your stomach moving in the morning? Think again. You can do the same thing by chugging enough water and rehydrating yourself after a long night's rest. Simply drinking enough fluids in the morning will kick start your stomach's motility. You're just addicted.

Need your morning kick? Juices with sugar can do the same, yet they're not addictive. And if you are addicted to coffee, your tolerance will build you up to need 2-3-4 or more cups to get you adequately doped to your preferred level of performance. If I were a boss, that's a lot of wasted time in the morning ferrying the coffee pot to the mug and your ass to the latrine.

I've heard some people tell me that they drink coffee because they work a desk job, and it's something to stand up for. Why not just stand up and get your blood flowing while sipping on water?

Some would go as far as saying that coffee has its health benefits. The assertion isn't wrong, but there is nothing in coffee that you can't get from something more healthful, or better-tasting. For example, coffee provides anti-oxidants that rid your system of muscle-damaging free radicals. So does an apple, and even dark chocolate. There are better options than coffee.

Coffee? It's for the weak, and weak itself. I've witnessed more than one addicted drinker request a "strong" cup of coffee from my own mother. Nearly every single time I witness this, I see them water that sucker down. In Puerto Rico, the flavor's strong and you only need half a cup.

Now, I'll admit, I was once weak, too.

There was a point in my life where I was obviously addicted to coffee--crap coffee. I was in a 7:10 to 9:40 PM grad-level engineering course. Although Professor Hernan Abeledo was a great teacher and a nice guy, he talked softly and the topic was just about as dry as a good prosecco. The class was also out on 1776 G. Street, a stroll away from campus, so I'd stop by Starbucks and pick up a medium Cafe Mocha.

That's right, I said medium Cafe Mocha. We're in America, so speak english. I don't like asking for a tall beverage if it's not the tallest thing you've got. There's just something wrong about that.

I realized that I truly was addicted to coffee when I started ordering a larger size. Then I started backing off. I'd ask for a small de-caff or hot cocoa instead. I gradually worked my mind away from needing the kick and saved some cash in the meantime.

Try to give it up, I dare you.

I know what you're thinking right now. "Why would I ever give up coffee?"

Because you wouldn't put unleaded '87 in a Ferrari, that's why. In 2001, my crew coach gave me some advice on my diet. He told me that if I wanted to be strong, I had to treat my body like a well-oiled machine by fueling it up with healthful foods and drinks and minimizing wasteful calories and damaging chemicals.

Again, I dare you to give up the joe. If you really need your "kick" on those certain mornings, then it will be more effective if you're not building up your caffeine tolerance by chugging down the cups every day.

I rarely drink caffeine or even soda, but if I need a kick, I'll drink an 8 ounce Coke out of a glass bottle before I'd touch coffee. Why? Because it tastes fantastic and takes only 2 seconds to open the bottle. No brewing, no waiting, no wasted time, no noisy machines, and it always tastes the same. Does it have a bunch of crap in it? It sure does, but so does coffee and I'm impatient.

Even Lance has his preferred beans, but I bet you've never seen a pro drinking coffee halfway up a mountain, have you?


-- -- -- -- -- -- -- --


Caveat: When I was at the Tour de Georgia in 2008, I picked up a can of the special edition "TdG Blend" of Jittery Joe's as a souvenir. I didn't even try a sip of it, but my teammates finished the can in one weekend at the Lost River Barn. The non-addict bought the joe, but there were no complaints. I guess it was decent.