Festivus 2011 - The Airing of Grievances

Two years ago, when this blog’s author was less ambitious (nor less pompous) about riding, he wrote a post celebrating Festivus, the holiday for the rest of us. To this day it has been among the most popular posts according to Google Analytics.

Apparently MABRA’s lower ranks are thirsty for the minutia of Cat 3/4 racing. Recently, this blog’s author has felt complimented by the outpouring (okay, drizzling) and rumbling (whispering) of a return to its previous prominence (irreverence). That will likely not happen, but a teaser, a vignette, a terse rant or a cool photo just may appear.

To many haters' content, I am sure, it suffices to say that any race reports from my first year as a Cat 2 would have had little else but a grunt, a desperate gasp, and garbled four-letter words for the fast dudes up front. I race a lot during the summer, and slack off during the fall, so there is no recent news either. (It would be nothing short of a Festivus Miracle to see a road race in MABRA after Labor Day anyway – something my southern California friends are not lacking.)

What better way to bring back the blog for a 2011 cameo than to revisit one of its most popular topics? Thus, I bring you my Airing of Grievances for 2011. Following is a list of those who have wronged me:

Joe Bean Road, Battenkill, NY – You are not human, and barely deserving of my grievances. To appropriately describe your characteristics, you are a dirt path sprinkled with gravel. And though your contours are not severe, it is partially your doing that I shall return to upstate New York with a specific fervor in 2012 to vindicate the wrath you placed upon my front tire as I crested your modest summit in the lead group.

Andy Cicero – You actually tried to out-sprint me for 82nd place at Battenkill after your gruppetto caught up to me. Well, good sir, to this I say, nay!

Severin Skolrud – Never again shall I indulge in your whiskey-cider, the effects of which had similar consequences to your overindulgence of nutella sandwiches before BikeJam. Luckily, my parents were not there to watch.

Speaking of which...

BikeSlam/Kelly Cup – STREETCLEANERS. Google it, or perhaps “brooms.” My team of five had four flats at this race, all caused by punctures. The Shimano neutral support tent actually ran out of spare wheels during the Pro/1/2/3 race. If you want to leave that much gravel on the course, please add it to the MABRACross series.

Harry Goldman – I have to give you crap because I know you will actually read this. Stop calling me after 9:30 p.m. unless your bicycle is dying of cancer like right meow. The 9:30 phone prohibition is a rule my parents had when I grew up, and it still is weird for anyone to call me later than that.

ABRT – Can you please put a hill on the Church Creek course?

Race Promoters – Dare I go there? I dare. Of course I have heard the cliché that there would be no races without race promoters. We racers are appreciative. We ARE appreciative – it needs to be said twice. What needs to be said louder, because is permitted to be said too few times, is that racers have every right to critique an event. Get of your pedestals, so the racers can step on the podium. If bike racing were a rock concert and your band sucked, and the venue smelled like chicken sh*t, and racers did not enjoy themselves, why should they come back? Why should they not tell other racers? So here is my plea, race promoters: do not forget what it was like to be a racer. And for the love of clean chamois everywhere, please have enough porta-johns available.

Matthew Latyszonek – Did you even hit the wind once at Reston? L7 weenie. I will race you for your PowerTap. And your Venge. And your aero wheels (all of them).

Harry Fang and everyone whose racing age is 35 or higher – If you want to race your age group, race triathlon. If your category is too fast for you, I see two options: get fast or downgrade. Mostly, though, I want you all to start trying to kick my ass in races like you do in training. Stop preventing the non-masters up-and-comers from being able to compete more frequently (whether doubling up or having their own category) by demanding events that discriminate against young racers. Believe it or not, it’s the 19-24 and 25-34 year-olds that are the two fastest-growing demographics in USA Cycling.

David Kirkpatrick – Stop being so vague.

Greg McMahon – Nobody will ever be able to borrow any of my wheels again, thanks to you. Next time win the race as we discussed, instead of smooching with the pavement.

Christopher Gould & WWVC – Every time I drive to one of the races in Page County, I stop at Copper Fox Distillery in Sperryville to pick up a bottle of Wasmund’s Single Malt Whiskey. It is great that I will be driving out there frequently in 2012, but my liver hates you for it.

Cyclocross Racers – They were words reiterated by my friend and teammate, Luther Swift, when he was the only one of a conglomerate of cyclocross racers that could not keep their wheels anywhere near our drafts on a particular road ride over the Poolesville dirt: “You should race cross!” he said. What I have seen, though, is that cyclocross in the lower categories is largely made up of people who have given up on being good at road cycling. This is a fate I will not [yet] succumb to. I simply give no flying fornication to purchase another bike and pay to pin more holes in my jersey during the time of the year in which the weather is at its best, and the pressure on my legs to act fast is at its lowest. Cease trying to make me indulge this kinky two-wheeled pleasure that I have absolutely no desire to try. I would rather drink a PBR, dress up like Sully and Force, and/or sit in a foldable chair with a dry-erase board and berate you while you suffer. I am a road racer, therefore I do not like racing off the back. I strive to race from the front – where the race is won. It is probably more than coincidence that most of the racers who have incessantly encouraged me to play just-the-tip with cyclocross have been nowhere near the front of their fields in road or cross. Except Luke.

All the Cat 1/2/3 women who did not win at Charm City - Apparently none of you could take any humor from some friendly heckling, unlike the chick that kicked your butts by six minutes. Laugh a little.

Matthew Rosier – There is a biblical story about the prodigal son. It sucks. You should read it.

Referees at Bunny Hop – If you bend the rules once, you should be prepared to bend the rules again. Then you will not have to relegate three of the first seven racers across the line because you told them to get back in the race.

GamJams – Please give a bit more variety in your “Primes and Promos” posts. In the past, I had constructively criticized that an unbalanced fraction of reviewed products were from one single company. Then, when a good friend of mine requested that his own commercial product be reviewed, the author wanted my friend to pay him for a product review.

Dan Drumwright – I do not really have a grievance since this is a continuation of an old one, but I think the narrative should be shared again. In the past few years you have now raced for NCVC, Coppi, Route 1 Velo, Conte’s, V-Day, and Haymarket. I wonder who is next…

Andrew Groleau & Matt McHugh – Y’all are way too fast to keep asking a whole hell of a lot of naïve questions. How many top 10s did you get as a Cat 5, Matt? Yeah, you’ve got it.

Jay Moglia – My ego is still climbing its off-season ass up Helmick Rock Road.

Trash Talkers – It is too cliché to love to hate the New York Yankees, MicroSoft and Apple, the Evil Empire, or any organization that is secure about its identity. Well I am proud to be a member of a cycling club with that sort of history. It is a club that hosts three or four races per year intentionally budgeted to lose money on those races to keep the costs low for competitors and support local charities. I am proud to be a member of a club that provides professional coaching for our junior riders instead of charging inordinate monthly fees for membership. It is a club that reimburses members for a good fraction of their race fees, and even more if they do big events like Nationals, Battenkill, or GMSR. A club whose masters and elite riders annually host race clinics for novices. A club that – like few others nowadays – includes racers from Cat 5 to Cat 1, not to mention the dude that went pro last year. Most importantly, it is more than a club. NCVC is a large family of friends, whether we show up for three or 30 races per year.

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You are welcome to refute or share your own in the comments, which I will be moderating for decency since my name is searchable to this blog. I have aired my grievances; the feats of strength commence in March. Happy Festivus.